Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
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Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation