me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
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The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.