– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
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If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.