Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
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Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”