girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
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And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.
They’re calling it the Apollo G.
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here