I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
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*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.