Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
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I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
fired
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
Is this the real life?
Is this just
My kids think I’m going to miss them when they leave for college, but I’ll be busy drinking my coffee while it’s still hot.
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*