Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
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Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
Jesus steals the winter solstice
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
Happy Friday
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”