According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
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lot going on here, legally speaking.
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right