[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
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I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
every college guy’s fridge
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
I can’t stop watching this.
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there