M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
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[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby