Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
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willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.