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I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
What number SPF blocks people?
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment