“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
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Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.