HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
You Might Also Like
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
That’s easy for you to say
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
PARKOUR
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro