*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
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Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
Print is alive and well!!!
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
you will never know the true number of layers
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.