MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
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There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.