Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
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Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do