Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
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My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
@funTweeters I am at your service….
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*