im all 3
You Might Also Like
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
If only
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot