R.I.P.
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~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
beware of dog
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
Stick it to the man
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”