If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
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ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery