Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
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Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.