[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
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Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
fourth time’s the charm
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.