Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
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If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
I feel attacked.
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..