Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
You Might Also Like
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
50 shades of grey = my Liver
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
Does your wife know you’re single?
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?