inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
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There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
love it when they get my name right
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!