Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
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[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
decorating my apartment
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”