Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
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Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
Nice try, NASA
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?