Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
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Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video