The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
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All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
Who did it better?
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse