ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
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angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.