I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
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I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
dam girl
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
Big Sex has us all fooled
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM