product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
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Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.