Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
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Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
We avoided this particular disaster
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.