philosophical skeletons be like
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Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no