Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
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The new Ring movie looks terrifying
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
Dead
Alive
Other✔
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”