Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
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The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
These fireworks are awesome! High four!