Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
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*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
Breaking news:
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident