[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
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Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
my one true gender
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
I just stopped by to water my horse.
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
taking June’s advice to heart
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”