Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
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You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
Shhh!
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
saw this in a dream
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky