*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
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My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.