My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
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how come we never get to click boxes of dinosaurs or volcanoes why is it always vehicles
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.