What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
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Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
Stonehinge
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.