Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
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Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.