[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
You Might Also Like
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
My support group can outdrink your support group.
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.