To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
You Might Also Like
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.