In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
You Might Also Like
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
The second world war should have been called world war returns
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent