To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
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Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
What
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.