Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
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I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.